The journey back in New York has been a struggle, as I search for a job and acclimate myself to American living. It seems that no matter how hard I look or try, no doors are opening. This city draws the most driven, exceptional people in the world and the competition is intense. But it seems like something more is happening. I believe that God's hand moves, gives, and guides. He is not giving me a job now. I have to trust how He is directing me now. My heart burns for Africa and for the kids there that I left five months ago, not one bit less than the day I left. God, I will let you do what you want. Show me the way.

THEY STOLE MY HEART

I have been able to process a bit more of my experience now that I have been home for about a month. What I was able to understand more deeply is God's heart. Love is suffering. If you don't suffer, you don't really love. We humans are so broken and selfish-- from other people's choices inflicting pain on us, from our own pain and wrong choices, and from all sorts of things. In all that we can be so offensive to God. God, being perfect, could have said, "That's enough! All of you get away from me forever." But instead He said, "I would rather suffer greatly and have them with me. I am going to make a way..."

I guess going through all the things I did, especially the hard things, I understand. I remember sitting in the kitchen on the day I was going to leave for South Africa, totally freaked out, totally afraid of all the unknown. God was saying, "Will you love these kids, like I have loved you?" Going to uncomfortable places to reach them? Jesus left his throne in heaven and was born into a feeding trough in a stable (how uncomfortable is that). And there were things that were hard there, frustrations and sufferings. God was saying, "Will you love these kids, like I have loved you? This is only a little bit compared to what I went through for you."

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1-2


God called me to go all the way across the world to be a part of these kids lives, to somehow be used by God to show that deep deep love to them. One little forgotten, abandoned life is worth all the suffering in the world to Jesus.

On a less philosophical level, I have learned so much about kids, and this trip has grabbed my heart. I think of those kids everyday and hate to only be in their lives for just a few short months. I wish I could be with them long term, what they really need. They stole my heart and I am not sure if I can get it back. Perhaps I am meant to be there longer.


Amanda was snuggled with me on the couch one cold rainy day. I think about her a lot. She had all sorts of medical issues including chronic lung damage from the problems she had in the past that made her talk and cough like a 70 year old woman, who'd been smoking for 40 years. But she had the most wonderful sense of humor and both of us would laugh together hysterically. I want to go back for her. I want to go back for all of them. We will see what God has in mind.

THE WORLD CUP AND SUDDEN GOODBYES

The energy in South Africa for the World Cup has been so fun to experience! Everyone is in celebration and excitement. The World Cup songs play everywhere and EVERYONE has a Bafana Bafana (their national team's name) jersey, from politicians to bank tellers to

businessmen. And everywhere is heard the sounds of the Vuvuzela

(that plastic, loud horn that characterizes South African soccer

fan cheering and makes everyone deaf). All the games are televised everywhere, on big screens in malls and restaurants. Everyone is singing and dancing and enjoying the world being there. I have also learned so much about the flags of different countries!

I didn't get to go to an actual World Cup game, but we did get to go to a warm up game in the new stadium in Durban and experience the soccer fans! WOW!!!



But then I also learned just as the World Cup was starting that my visa paperwork was not correct and I had to leave South Africa as soon as possible. So I had to say goodbye to 115 children that I have really grow to deeply love. Here are the teenage boys, who are SO fun to be around. They love hip hop and the tallest one in the white shirt, Mzizi, is a brillant hip hop dancer (well, they all are but he and Sanele next to him are particularly good and practice all the time!). But it was sooooo hard to say goodbye to all the kids, young and old. I hope that I can return there. It is sad for them to have yet another short term person come and go in their lives.

So, I flew out today in such sadness as all sorts of celebrating was happening all around me. South Africa is such an incredible place. And the orphans have affected my life in such a profound way that all I want to do is serve them and others in the same situation the rest of my life. Now, I return to the big city. Wow.

THE CHALLENGES

I am now coming up on my half way mark of being here in South Africa. I have gotten into the groove here. It took quite a while to really build relationships with the kids here, but now I feel that they know me and are comfortable with me. Their are so fun and so special and grow on me more every week.

On the other hand, it has been so challenging here as well. Most of the challenge comes to my patience and my pride. First, many of the things that they really need done here are not what I am good at, not glamourous, and quite hard. They are not what I came to do (I do get to do things that I like as well and that I came to do), nor even want to do. I come from a city where you do what you are very good at and nothing else. But God's ways are different. He calls us to serve Him and others in our weakness. He says he is our strength in our weakness. I have had to give over a lot of expectations to Him and find joy in the simplicity of serving a great God, no matter what I do. Last week I was really ready to call it quits and really had to pray hard, but this week, God did an amazing work in me and has provided a lot of little things to help me. Wow, I am very much learning what it means to serve the Lord in weakness and let Him shine His strength on me.

One thing that I do, that I am not particularly good at nor like, is run the Homework Club. It is basically teaching a class of 2nd to 3rd graders for a couple of hours in the afternoons. I am not a good teacher and have had to learn so much about disciplining kids and teaching that age. I have had to depend on God EVERY MOMENT!

THANDI AND ANELE

Let me introduce you to Thandi, as well as our little baby, Anele. Thandi is in sixth grade. She is very sensitive and often times feels on the outskirts of the friendship circles amongst the kids here. She is quite insecure about herself, but is a very special girl. I do a lot of reading with her and we have her over to our house often. She really needs to know how much Jesus loves her and how special she is.
Anele is a little one year old girl who is the cutest baby EVER! All the kids take turns caring for her, baby sitting her, and getting her to different places around the orphanage. It is great especially to see the little 7 year old boys taking care of her too. Some of the most naughty little boys turn into these responsible little care-givers!

I just wanted to share a few moments with you.

Only in Africa can you wake up to a giraffe in the back field of your house. That was so amazing! This was the view on an early Saturday morning as the giraffe came right up to our fence. I continue to blown away by the artistry of God in His skies. Every sunrise and sunset is brilliant and the stars here are so brilliant as well, I cannot begin to describe them. It is so calming after a long day to gaze out on the sunset and remember what is important, that God is in control of it all.

During the last few weeks the kids had off of school so we did some different games with them, including relay races involving eggs and grabbing apples out of water with their mouth. James was the most intense and passionate apple relay racer I have ever seen in my life.

These are some of the older boys. Sandile, Jay Jay, Ndumiso, Stambiso, and James. They are all so much fun to spend time with.

All the girl volunteers and staff were challenged to play a soccer game with another organization. None of us really have played soccer at all and so we were extremely nervious. All the boys were making jokes of how bad we would do. The morning of the game we all drove to the field with butterflies in our stomachs. All of Lily of the Valley would be watching! All the kids and other staff would come and root us on and we were so scared we would completely make fools of ourselves. But we did suprisingly well and even some of the boys gave us a "good job" smile. We won and became the Lily heroins. And I (even I!) scored our only goal!! Here I am with one of the German volunteers who also played well. And below you can see our whole team!

Weekends are great fun and usually involve spending time having fun with kids. The kids LOVE to come over to our house and bake cakes and sweets, watch movies, and listen to music. I have never made so many cakes in my life! Here they are watching a movie in our living room, packed in.




Today we said goodbye to one of our volunteers, Yohan, the Korean. Next week we say goodbye to another and so there will only be 2 others doing so much. Our workload is very high and so it will be a time of dependance on God for strength. One of the most challenging things here is the disorganization and randomness of the demands here. It is so different than in the States. But I know that Jesus wants me here and it is an opportunity to depend on His strength each day.

I am sorry I cannot share a photo with you this time, but I wanted to give you a glimpse of my last few weeks and share a few impactful moments. Here are some snippets:

I find that my favorite age group is the grade 1-3 boys. They are so fun, kind, and energetic. Everything they do they put their whole soul into. On Sundays, I take a rugby ball out to the field and all the little boys cheer in exuberant excitement to play a game I invented that is sort of a combination of "3 flies up" and "fetch". I throw the ball out and they are broken into teams and if their team runs the ball back to me they get a point (my job is very easy). They put every bit of their souls into this and it is so fun to watch them.

Last week, we started an HIV counseling group for all the kids who are HIV positive and also have other tramatic experiences in their lives. We did some initial surveys with them to get a sense of where they were at and at the end of the 16 weeks we will ask them the same questions. But it was a very interesting time, because many of the same little boys, full of energy, laughter, and fun, were there and showed another side of themselves. And as I asked them different questions like, "Do you know what happened to your parents?" or "Do you feel comfortable talking about being HIV+?", there was a deep sorrow and pain that washed over their eyes. Or they would start to cry and say that their arm hurt, but really it was their heart that hurt and they just couldn't express it. They can't quite fully understand their pain. I just love being with them, and its funny because I can very much relate to them in that way. Their life has taught them they are worthless and unlovable and have no future. So, while they laugh and play in their everyday life, this voice is always in the back of their mind. They need so much to know that God created them special and will never leave them. And He has a hope and a future set for them.

This week, a new little girl who came not 3 weeks ago, died of TB. There is just such a sadness in the suffering these kids endure with no stable/longterm person to love them through it. It is hard enough to go through very serious illness with a supportive family who loves you, but it is so hard to do it with no one.

Recently, a new little boy came to the orphanage and I was asked to go get his new clothing. He came to Lily with nothing, covered in sores and skin rashes. I and one of the older boys took him over to the clothing store room and picked out his "wardrobe", which consisted of a couple of shirts and pants, socks, underwear and shoes--anything that sort of fit him. He was so quiet as we tried to fit different things on him. That moment was dramatic to me because I just wondered what that little quiet boy had just left. He had absolutely nothing, came to a foreign place where he knows no one, and is only 8 years old. I learned later that he was removed from his home because his grandmother (the only one who could take care of him) was a witch doctor and was forcing him to help her do many things that were literally killing him. I get to help him now do his homework and learn math and he is very smart and sweet.

A fun part of my relationship-building with the kids is baking parties. I love to bake and little did I know that that would be something that the kids love to do. They LOVE sweets and they love to be useful, so they help me bake cakes and cookies on the weekends.