Spring in New York

Life back in the big city has been hard, but I'm getting more used to it. I am loving being back in Central Park running the road that winds through the blooming trees. And it has been so wonderful to be back with my friends. But with the city rushing around me, everyone going to work, seeing friends, getting things done, overworking, overplaying, I feel at times like I am still lost in a world far away. I feel like one of those movies, like "Lord of the Rings", where everything turns slow motion and silent, and I feel detached from everything around me.

I think the hardest part is the silence of God. He has been so silent. I have tried everything to open doors and find His way. But I guess sometimes His answer is just to wait in the uncertainty. And every door is closed. I know that there are always times when He is quiet, those are the times of faith building. And so I wait. And try. And wait.

Today I received another closed door in the city. I have been planning to go back to school and set everything up for the fall, even the summer, but somehow everything got messed up and now I must re-apply all over again, and it is too late to fix this problem for the fall. I just feel like God is closing every door in order that He might open another soon. But sometimes I get discouraged and wonder if He will come through for me.

My heart is with the kids and would LOVE to work at the orphanage. There may be a possibility of going back and actually having a position there, but I haven't heard anything yet. So, I have to wait. Somehow I feel better today, though, like God really IS there and really IS planning something better. We'll see what unfolds.

Thirdly, I just am continually reminded of who is in control. It is not me who has this amazing strength or amazing great character. But I really learned to give everything over to God. From the little to big things, this place was a testing ground of trust. There were so many things that we could not control, as if we were swimming in the sea and were out too far and the waves were completely over our heads. In New York, our lifestyle really does not give us the opportunity to "need God" as much. Everyday there was something. Water, our storage bottles are running low and the water is not on yet! Instead of panicking, we prayed. The kids are struggling with behaviors and the social workers have too much work! Instead of panicking, we prayed. Our refrigerator just broke and there will be another moving in soon! Instead of panicking we prayed. I have bugs in my bed! Instead of panicking I prayed. Wow, I don't feel cut out for this work today! Instead of getting discouraged, I prayed. God showed himself living, and came through in every situation. It was amazing. And I learned so much about walking with the living God and giving him my struggles and letting him take care of me.

Secondly, in New York there is a definite fad of social activism, of serving orphans and poor. Of course that is ultimately great and so much better to have a fad of activism vs. laziness. But as I spent extended time with the kids in a place with many challenges, I felt how easily that kind of motivation fell away and the deep love of Christ really had to fuel me. To really love takes SO MUCH more guts, deep strength, tenacity, and unconditional love, which a cool fad cannot provide. It was important for me not to get caught into the fads of community service, but to stay focused on God's ways of service. To really be in the lives of the kids in such a way to help them process God's ways and help them not to sink in the destructive ways of the world--that is different. They are all on the brink of sinking--there is so much in their lives that pulls them, such brokenness in the community that they interact with--drug abuse, sex, alcohol, dreams of materialism. There is so much going against them as well--complicated health issues, emotional scars, and terrible educational systems. It makes for such a hopeless and empty soul-pit in their lives that they want to fill with everything they can find. It takes so much to really see their deeper needs and to try to help them set their precious hearts on The Rock. You really suffer greatly when you love kids (or anyone). Your heart breaks when theirs breaks, when they go the wrong ways, when they don't care about what is right. But you keep fighting for them. I am so glad God didn't give up on me when I was (and still sometimes am!) the same as them!

"I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings..." Philippians 3:10